Almost Free

Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard,
Even when it all just falls apart,
I will run to You, ’cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars.
You steady my heart.
You steady my heart.

Over the past few days, these words from the song recorded by Kari Jobe have been playing on a continuous loop in my mind. After hearing this melody for the first time, my thoughts turned to the familiar lines from Psalm 57, My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast.  And being the word freak that I am, I had to pull out my concordance and dig up the original Hebrew definition. In short, the meaning of steadfast is: to be erect (standing perpendicular); fixed; confident; prepared; ready.

Hmm… how often am I really steadfast in praising God? That’s the million dollar question. Unlike the psalmist who resolved to stand firm in the midst of all troubles, my heart is more likely to faint at the first whisperings of doubt. Instead of being wholly bent to give God praise, I’m more likely to bend under the weight of my fears or insecurities. Wavering, inconsistent, weakened, distracted – now those are words with which I can relate. And yet, God desires that I lean into Him and become resolute in trusting that He is the One who holds “each and every moment; what’s good and what gets broken.” In essence, He is continually inviting me to accept His invitation to steady my heart.

When I looked at the Free Online Dictionary definition of the word “steady,” it had the expected meanings that were similar to my concordance’s rendering for “steadfast”- firm in position or place; fixed; unfaltering; sure, etc. But one of the definitions listed gave me pause: Free or almost free from change, variation, or fluctuation.
Almost free.

Those words sprang from my computer screen and burrowed into my heart as I realized that, all too often, I live according to the world’s standard of freedom. I live in the spiritual condition of being almost free.

Instead of clinging to the truth of John 8:36 which states, Therefore; if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed, I settle for being almost free.  While I do allow God to steady my heart and fill me with His hope, I can’t say that I do so without stipulations. Without reservations. Without holding on to a few of those niggling doubts. I stop short of living God’s promise of complete freedom and fall for living the world’s lie of almost free, instead.

The sad realization is that Almost free = Still enslaved.

But I’m awakening to Satan’s schemes. While I may not yet be fully conscious, I’m not completely snoozing any longer, either. And in this state of awakening, I’m determined to accept the invitation that my Savior offers. The invitation to live with a heart free indeed because of His steadfast love and mercy. Free to love and be loved by the One who holds me in His hand and steadies my heart so I can steadfastly praise Him.
Even when it hurts.
Even when it’s hard.
Even when I’m tempted to believe that I am only almost free.

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