Replacing the Chaos of Me

God speaks, then asks for my obedience.

I  respond by dragging my feet. I hesitate. I ask Him to clarify what He has just spoken so clearly to my heart.

But clarity is not my issue. Not really. My issue is chaos. The chaos that reigns in me.

Because I am afraid, I ask Him to speak again and again. Surely I must have misunderstood. Surely I must have made that up. Surely that was my own thought coursing through my mind, or, worse yet, perhaps it was Satan in disguise. A masquerade of light bent on deceiving me to enter the darkness.

“Speak, Lord, your servant is listening” may be my initial response, but too quickly my ears are distracted by whispers of doubt rising to drown out the steady and sure of Father’s voice.

“Speak again, Lord,” my heart cries.

Speak louder. Speak more clearly. Speak to me, speak to me, speak to me.

But He already has. Clearly. It’s just that His words seem too heavy. Too light. Too consuming. Too simple. Too… too…too…

My thoughts wrap themselves about His words, carrying them into the chaos of me where excuses careen like pin balls through the bumpers of my mind. Words of truth anxiously search for a place to settle but instead are repelled by fears. Seeking orderliness yet bouncing into bedlam, racing frantically toward an unmarked finish line shrouded by doubts.

So I ask again for clarity. I seek a sign of confirmation though the glass of God’s calling before me is utterly transparent and ready for spilling.

It is my hesitancy that clouds His clarity. It is my own thoughts that negate the truth.

The truth is… I am called, but I struggle to simply obey. In short, I’m afraid to jump. Afraid to free fall into the waiting arms of One whose plans for me are beyond imagining.

I seek a practical out when God is daring me to risk it all, to take Him at His word and jump over the edge.

In light of the spiritual realities swarming about me, my caution is ridiculous. Seriously, can you imagine how the angels must be shaking their heads at the unbelief humans display on a daily basis when we question God so thoroughly?

Let’s face it, many of us live stuck. We study and discuss the Bible and how much we want to live for Jesus and to change the world, but we continue on, day after day, in our safe and cozy life. Risking nothing. Changing nothing, except for the weekly memory verse hanging on the bathroom mirror. We look at the verse and the face staring back at us, then walk away to the daily grind only to forget the image we just beheld because it is overshadowed by the familiar lure of the known and convenient. To abandon safe seems scary and uncomfortable, completely unreasonable in a world which teaches us to grasp for security and stability.

But we are not made for this world. God knows that, but often I forget.

And if God did not create us for this world, then He may, indeed, mess with my temporal view and call me toward the unthinkable. He may stretch me to look beyond my own understanding of a situation and how it all should work out. He may strip away the stipulations I put upon following hard after Him. He may call me to do something that terrifies me in the natural. He may invite me to jump over an edge I cannot see beyond.

The million dollar question is: Will I trust Him enough to jump?

woman-standing-at-edge-of-cliffBut I think God does not have to over-clarify for us to obey…God’s clarity is not my issue. One thing big – God must replace the chaos of me… (Jennie Allen)





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